The Smug

Posted by By at January 24, 2010 Print

My wife, “K” and our one year old son, aka “The Kid,” attended their first day (and probably last) with “The Calabasas Mommy and Me Group” at Grape Arbor Park in Calabasas.

With her heals sinking further into the grass she adjusts her cleavage in her too short dress and with calculated indifference asks K, “Where do you live?”

“In the apartments off Los Virgenes in Calabasas,” K answers as she wipes the drool from The Kid’s chin.

After what was an awkward and obnoxiously long silence, in which every passive aggressive Prius owner in San Francisco could drive through several times, the woman in the too short dress responds. And in a very well rehearsed and condescending tone she says, “Oh.”

The Kid claps his hands and then raises them over his head as if he was saying “Hooray.” That’s his latest thing. He’s so proud of himself. He does that when he accomplishes something new or just to solicit a happy reaction. I’m sure this time he wanted a happy reaction. “Hooray,” K cheers him on. Then, ignoring the attitude from the woman with the cleavage, she politely asks, “Where do you live?”

“In one of the gated communities on Parkway Calabasas,” she answers in her favorite holier than thou voice.

Here’s the thing she’s not aware of. She won’t be living in that gated community for much longer. Turns out her Senior Executive husband who, she believes, works for Warner Bros. was fired three months ago and never told her. He was caught by his lover, a VP, as he was bent over the couch in the conference room wearing full S & M bondage gear while, Brad, the Junior Executive humped him like a dog. But he’s not gay though. The VP who walked in on them was heart broken but after seeing Brad in all his glory instantly fell in love. They now live together in the VP’s Hollywood Hills home and they plan on vacationing on the fabulous Greek island of Mykonos next summer. Brad is now a Executive Producer in charge of creating G rated family programs. The former Senior Executive secretly used his home for collateral and borrowed $200,000.00 to maintain the life style his wife and child were accustomed to. But now he can’t find work or pay back the loan.

Fiddling with her Mercedes Benz key the woman, whose heels are now buried in the grass, ignores her six year old daughter who has pulled down her pants and is peeing on the lawn while a big snot bubble grows and grows under her nose. The Kid claps his hands and does the “Hooray” thing again. K pleasantly smiles at the woman who is about to have the most real and profound experience of her life and walks away, heading towards the swings to join some other moms. I don’t think I would have been so nice to this woman. I’m sure the Angry Asshole in ME would have said-

-”Hey I can speak for myself,” the Angry Asshole in my head says cutting me off.

ME: Okay, what would you have said?
AA: Humor me. Say the last thing the obnoxious cleavage lady said.
ME: …Gated community on Parkway Calabasas
AA: NO! Say it the way you wrote it dickhead!

I can hear the Stoner Dude in my head chuckling.

AA: What the fuck is so funny pot head.
SD: Pot Head? I don’t remember the last time we smoked.
ME: WE don’t do that anymore.
AA: That’s because some loser-namely YOU- can’t find work.
SD: Dude you gotta do something, I could really use a joint.
ME: I said we don’t do that anymore.
AA: Right. Because Mr. Loser Producer man over here can’t seem to produce anything anymore.
ME: Great. Can we move on now. Asshole.
AA: Okay. Give me her last thing again.
ME: Fine. In one of the gated communities on Parkway Calabasas.
AA: NO! The whole thing exactly the way you wrote it! The whole fucken sentence!

Stoner Dude continues to giggle.

ME: “In one of the gated communities on Parkway Calabasas,” she answers in her favorite holier than thou voice.
AA: “Seems like THE SMUG has rolled in early today.” And I would probably call her a pretentious Bitch. Seems like THE SMUG has rolled in early today, you pretentious Bitch.

The Stoner Dude finds that hilarious.

K in her jeans, hiking shoes and baseball cap, holds The Kid as they stand by the swings being ignored by the other moms. Seems The Smug has already infected and taken over the hearts and minds of the other weak moms. The Smug courses through their veins like an over priced Napa valley wine that sucks but they think it’s great because it’s so expensive. Alas, it’s too late for them, they have become better than everyone.

Even on her worst of days K is lovelier, smarter and more beautiful than any of these woman on their best of days. But K would never think like that, she’s not affected by these insecure woman. She moves on. Noticing a group of Mexican woman with very white toddlers running around, she joins them. Obviously nannies. The Kid and her are welcomed into the Calabasas Mexican Nannie Group. K speaks to them in fluent Spanish and they all get along happily. K smiles as she looks around at the Gucci, Prada and Blackberry moms as they text and ignore their kids. The Kid claps his hands and then puts them over his head as if he is saying “Hooray.” K scoops him up and smothers him in love and kisses.

Yea! Hooray! That’s right, Kid. Hooray!


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